Friday, December 10, 2010

Wisdom to know the difference

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

By far I believe the wisest decision I made this year was putting Nana in the nursing home. It pains me to say that and still brings tears to my eyes. I wanted to be strong enough to keep going. But I also knew I’d done all I could. I was starting to just ‘exist’ with her. Not growing or moving forward but just clocking the days as they passed. I had so much living left to do. But caring for her is the single most important thing I will ever do. It was time to let go. My patience was wearing down. Her dementia was amping up. Even at this moment as I write this my mind wonders if I did the right thing, but my heart tells me I did. I’d always hoped God wouldn’t make me make that decision. I thought she’d pass in the night. I’d said from the beginning that if she ever didn’t know who I was then I knew it was time to go, but that wasn’t happening either. I prayed.  A LOT. It was so so so important to know that I was doing what God wanted and not what Susan wanted. We all know how doing what Susan wanted worked out. And He paved the way. Doors leading the way just kept opening, and I walked thru them.

Nana adjusted to the nursing home just fine. She’s in a different one now which has a kindergarten in it and she says she goes to color with the kids and is a greeter in the morning. When I talk to her she always ask how California is and remembers that I live here and then she tells me to be happy. That if I’m happy then she’s happy. I miss her more than words can describe.

Life for me now is falling into place. I’m back to having a routine to life and feeling like myself. I’ve made friends, gotten involved in my community and with both my adopted families. It’s becoming home.

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